The Most Unerotic Trip to an Adult Store (Ever)
by Ramblepedia
Summary: In which Kurt and Blaine decide to shop for certain aids for certain activities and turn into immature preteen boys at their first sight of the inside of an adult store.


Originally posted on Archive of Our Own (AO3) under the same name.

Update: I was contacted by glee4everandalways asking if their friend could translate this story into German, and I said yes, and here is the link to that in case you're also interested (just remove the gaps) :

www. fanfiktion. de/s/5438315600022bf6288efb5b/1/The-Most-Unerotic-Trip-to-an-Adult-Store-Ever-

* * *

This was what it came down to. Kurt and Blaine had been exploring each other for months now and it was natural that they'd wanted to see what else their bodies had to offer each other. Which had led them first to those pamphlets Burt had brought home and later to gay-youth-friendly-non-pornographic websites which had eventually led them here. Adam and Eve.

The website had suggested using sex toys to 'get a feel for things' and prepare and all of that, to keep things from being painful. The conversation had been simple enough.

_We can't buy them offline. I don't know about you but that's one transaction I don't want my parents seeing on the purchase history._

_Blaine. I'm eighteen. We just go the store, use my ID, I buy them, then we run._

That had been great in theory. Just a couple of gay guys looking to frisk up their lives a little. No big deal. Truly. Despite this being a small town in Ohio in an area where there weren't very many gay men in general. At least, it didn't look like it. They certainly weren't often spied walking arm and arm through town. It was kind of dangerous, though, what Kurt and Blaine did.

If the mere idea of them being a normal couple out in town was dangerous then the idea of them going into an adult store - together no less - would probably have them roasted. Adult stores were kind of 'off limits but not really' anyway when it came to regular couples. A place they probably all went but didn't often talk about going to with other people.

Kurt really didn't want to imagine when two friends just happened to bump into each other in such a place like they were shopping for groceries. He was very glad that the odds of that happening to him were at least slim.

"Ok. Act natural." Kurt flexed his fingers before tucking his thumbs into his jean pockets. That was natural right?

"You look like you're trying to pass for straight," Blaine whispered. "Just. Relax. This isn't a big deal."

"Right. Not a big deal." There would be all sorts of anatomical parts in there and really Kurt wasn't sure he was quite ready to see that. Blaine was handling this well. Almost too well. "You sure this is your first time in one of these places?"

"Positive."

"How are you so calm."

"Probably because I'm with you." Sappy romance did help. Especially when Blaine was whispering like that.

"Let's do this." Kurt walked up and opened the door before someone could stop him. Call him out for being too young and tell him to get lost, go home, and be the kid he clearly looked like he was. He was an adult now. He could act like it.

Somehow neither man had expected the store to be this bright. It was as well lit as a Wal-Mart. And right up front and center were all sorts of costumes, corsets, and other get ups for all the roleplaying needs of any heterosexual (or sometimes lesbian) couple. "Well this is going to be fun," Blaine whispered as he glanced the racks. "People actually wear those? To...seriously?"

"I don't question the female mind and I will never understand the straight male mind," Kurt whispered back to him. "I think what we need is on this side of the store."

"Hey I think there's a men's rack too."

"Blaine, no."

"That one has a zipper down the front. You know you'd have fun with that."

"Do you really want me having fun with zippers?" Still, Kurt was peeking. And imagining. It was amazing how something as small as that could be exciting. His cheeks turned red. He caught sight of a couple shuffling into the changing room and he could easily hear the door lock with a click.

"I don't think I'd mind actually," Blaine teased. He'd seen the red. He walked over to the men's rack with so much confidence Kurt was almost tempted to drag him back to the car for a moment. Why was he so freaking hot?

Hot and embarrassing. Kurt reached out to grab his hand before he had a chance to paw through every single thing on that rack. The man held one up and glanced over Kurt, a little quirk in his brows. "No."

"Why not?"

"We're here for...a certain purpose. We can come back later."

"Oooh we're coming back?" Kurt gave his shoulder a light slap.

"Yes! We're here to get one thing. Then we're going to retreat. Remember?" Blaine offered him a soft smile as he hung the undies back up. If they could be called that. Kurt was sure no human would ever be able to wear them as a normal undergarment.

"Ok, ok." He linked his arm with Kurt again. It only lasted for a few seconds. "Woah, wait, wait, wait, how is that even possible."

"How is what even-Blaine Anderson I swear if you touch that!" It wasn't bad enough that he had gone through the boy's lingerie. Now he was looking at some very strange corsets. At least, Kurt thought they were corsets. The sign said they were.

"It won't _bite_ Kurt. It's just weird."

"Of course _those_ are weird Blaine! What happened to get in and get out? ...Don't answer that. Don't. Don't!" It was too late. Blaine had already dissolved into a childish giggle fit. Kurt noticed a pair of eyes peeking out of the dressing room at them. The door shut quickly.

"H-hasn't happened yet!" He took a breath to cool himself. "Alright, alright, let's go then."

Despite the confidence he was exuding, Blaine felt the same way as Kurt. His nerves were just manifesting in different ways but they were still there. This place was already stigmatized on its own and here they were, a stigmatized couple in a stigmatized place trying to get something to help them have sex in a fairly stigmatized way. At least it wasn't illegal anymore. They were allowed to be here doing this. That was amazing. That was what Blaine was holding on to. He and Kurt were doing nothing wrong and there was no law that would bring them trouble for being here with the goals they had in mind. Well, there was one law, but Blaine was putting extra effort into looking like a grown adult. He was seventeen. Almost there.

A giggle jingled in his ears. The two workers at the counter had whispered something to each other. Apparently something really funny. Kurt had heard it too. He pulled more intently on Blaine. To the other side of the store. Where all the toys were.

_All_ the toys.

Blaine started to get squeamish. "That's not normal."

"I don't think its supposed to be normal. I think its supposed to make men feel inadequate." In America, big was supposedly better. But this particular dark flesh colored device appeared to be the size of a human arm. "I am so glad you are not that big." That would be the most terrifying thing in the world.

"That says realistic."

"You know it's lying."

"Yeah but. Wow. Kind of makes me glad I don't have to make a girl happy."

"You are just being all sorts of awkward today aren't you?"

"Huh? No. It's true though. Can you imagine the expectations?"

"Or the fear. Where's the boy's section." Kurt tried to push past everything. There was a whole row of displays saying "turn me on" and "touch me" and there were all various levels of supposedly anatomically correct and flesh like things and absolutely all of them left Kurt's cheeks permanently stained red. Especially as Blaine kept stopping to satiate his curiosity. Kurt put a hand over his eyes to save himself the pain of watching his boyfriend poke and prod each device. "This is how you stumbled on all of those crazy websites Blaine."

"I just want to know! Is that really so bad?"

"Yes."

"Look at this. Tease feather ticklers, fifteen bucks a pop. Also known as a glorified cat toy." Kurt peeked. Through his fingers.

"This was supposed to be quick." His other hand shot up to cover Blaine's mouth as soon as the man dared open it. "Stop! I know what you're thinking, don't say it. When did you suddenly become a thirteen year old?"

"The same time you did. When we walked through those doors."

"I'm not!"

"If you say so." Blaine brushed the 'tickler' across Kurt's nose. Kurt swatted it away. "The masks and handcuffs look like fun."

"I don't think we have enough money for all that this time. I don't have that much cash. We have a goal, remember?"

"I'll make a list then." A wink. Kurt ducked his head and let out a tiny groan of frustration. Embarrassed frustration. There was no way Blaine was getting laid tonight. Not after this. Mostly because Kurt was ready to die of embarrassment. No one could get laid if one of them was dead after all. "I think I found the little boy's section. And by little I mean our part of it is little." Kurt glanced up.

Blaine was right, of course, but Kurt really regretted his choice. The wall was 95% based around female anatomy. With even more 'touch me, feel me' signs over the displays. "Blaine Anderson don't you dare touch that!" He could already see his boyfriend's hands reaching curiously for the 'feels just like a real one' masturbator. "If you touch that you will never touch me again so help me!" Blaine dissolved into giggles once more. Kurt buried his face. "Please, please can we just get what we came for and get out of here? People are staring at us." They were the only customers on the floor, but the two workers looked like they were having a field day. One of them wasn't even hiding their pointing.

"They're probably making bets on what we'll do."

"They're probably debating on if they need to kick us out or not Mr. Grabby Hands."

"They're on display because they want us to touch them."

"Well I don't want us to. Seriously what is wrong with you today!"

"What? Nothing's wrong. I'm just really curious Kurt. It's healthy for boys our age to want to know more."

"Its healthy for gay boys to be curious what that stuff feels like? I'm not curious. And why are you?" His arms crossed and his mouth pressed into a thin, firm line. "We're gay. We're not supposed to be curious about lady things like that." Blaine's lighthearted smile vanished.

"I don't want to touch a real girl if that's what you're asking." Blaine crossed his own arms. "You really don't like bi people do you?"

"What? No!" Kurt paused, looked down, a sigh whistled out his lips. "I don't care about people being bisexual or straight or gay, it doesn't matter. But...after the whole Rachel thing, I just, I don't want, I mean." Blaine watched carefully. He wanted Kurt to finish though. That way he could address the whole issue. "You know, knew how bad a crush I had. Have. It was really scary. I've never had it this bad and then you were thinking about dating Rachel, a girl, and it was bad enough when my only competition was all the other cute gay guys in Ohio but the girls too?" Blaine reached out and took hold of his hands.

"Kurt, I am gay. And I love you. You're my man. I wouldn't be here right now looking for sex toys if I wasn't a hundred percent sure about you. This is a big deal, I don't want to do it with someone I don't love fully. You have nothing to worry about. Especially when it comes to girls. So maybe I'm a five and you're a six, but I don't want to be with a girl. I want to be with you."

"A five?"

"Actually more of a five point five really." Kurt's face was blank. "The Kinsey scale?" He was shaking his head."You need to look that up when we get home tonight. But you have to trust me, ok?" He pulled their hands up to his heart.. "I love you and I really want to be with you, only you." There was a smile. Blaine loved the way Kurt smiled.

"I love you too. But I still say if you touch that you aren't touching me tonight."

"Ok, ok, deal." He playfully reached for the toys again, bursting out into laughter when Kurt gave his arm a slap. "Kidding! Oh hey, here's the...uhm. Do you have any idea what we should get?"

"I kind of hoped it'd be obvious. Oh look that says 'starter kit.' Complete with stuff for girls. Of course." Blaine didn't care about what the workers were thinking. He let his arm drape its way over Kurt's waist while they looked. It seemed Kurt was feeling the same way as he leaned into the hug.

"Right. Uhm. Wow. There really are a lot of different options. And sizes…"

"And colors. At least I don't see anything as big as that monster over there." Kurt jerked his thumb back towards the giant display of unrealistic 'realistic' male anatomy. "I know that's too big." A lot of them sounded too big though. Kurt felt himself getting nervous again.

"Excuse me," a female voice cropped up behind them. Both jumped as they turned. "Do you two need any help?"

"No!"

"Maybe." The worker bit her lip as she tried to hold back her laughter. Kurt couldn't help but feel his eyes narrowing into a glare. He was ready to defend them if this lady had a problem.

"First time hm?" Her thumb jerked towards the starter kit Kurt had been peeking at. "Pro tip, calm down. If you're this tense just looking at this stuff it'll be a million times worse when you get it home. Second pro tip, if you don't want us to ID you, don't act like you need to be IDed." Her hand stretched out to them. Kurt was quick to pass his over. "What about you Bowtie?"

"I uh, left mine in the car?"

"I really should ask you to leave." She shot them a wink. "But as long as you promise not to get anything stuck where it doesn't belong I'll let it go this time."

"Stuck?" The worker ignored Blaine's squeak.

"I'd much rather you shop here than Spencer's though. This stuff is the real deal. Less likely to hurt you. So don't tell my manager but I'm going to let you stick around. As long as you stop sticking out."

"Stop sticking out?" Kurt repeated incredulously as he wrapped his own arm around Blaine.

"What, you think we don't get gay customers? Please. We're the best store in town. No one here cares about that." Both of them let out clear sighs of relief. "If I may, all my gay friends recommend this for anyone getting started. The stuff in the kits are actually usually really cheap, so you're better off getting these things separately. Much better quality." Maybe it was how calm she was but Kurt felt his cheeks turning red all over again. The worker wasn't bothered in the slightest. She went and collected a whole armful of things. Then passed them over. "Make sure you read all the instructions before you use them, ok?" The boys just nodded. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes!" Kurt blurted. Blaine nearly jumped beside him. They glanced to each other. "I am."

"Me too," Blaine echoed. As if to prove his point, he added some massaging oils to their pile.

"Do we have enough for that?"

"I'll see what I can do for you," the worker said as she ushered them towards the counter. "So have you guys done anything else or are you planning for your very first everything?"

"Oh we've been fooling around for months," Blaine said. He was calming down now. Kurt tried not to let himself get red all over again. They were being mature adults here. They were fine. They were doing something very, very normal right now.

"At least I don't have to give you a full sex talk too. Believe me, I would."

"My dad handled that just fine," Kurt tried to joke. At least they were all laughing now - and not over childish comments to boot. He glanced back to where the couple was still hiding in the changing room. The door slammed shut again.

In minutes their entire order was rung up and paid for. Including the oils thanks to a couple of coupons. "At the bottom of the receipt is a number to call to take a survey. Don't worry they won't ask what you bought or what you're using it for. They just want to know that we helped out out with all your needs, things like that. You might win a gift card. Maybe you can get those handcuffs you were looking at."

"That'd be nice," Blaine said, a smile on his face as he took the bags. The sincerity in his voice helped keep Kurt's cheeks from flushing. She started jotting down something on a paper. Both boys leaned up curiously.

"These are some great websites to check out once you're more familiar with the products and what you want. They actually have sections specifically for gay men. That last one is all about you guys actually."

"Thanks."

"Don't be afraid to come back, ok? Honest I'd prefer you coming here then going out and getting in trouble or getting hurt. I've had one too many friends make a mistake and wind up in the hospital. Don't be like my friends."

"Trust me, we won't. We're very careful. Kurt?" Blaine had just noticed that his boyfriend had disappeared.

"He's over by the changing rooms."

"What?" Blaine spun to see Kurt knocking on the door. "What is he doing…"

"Those two have been staring at you this whole time. You didn't notice?"

"No, I didn't. Kurt!" Kurt waved to him. Then he saw a familiar head peeking up over the door. "Oh. We know them. That's. That's Kurt's brother. Which means his best friend is." Blaine turned and put his hands on the counter, hanging his head. That was something he really didn't need to think about.

"I know its you Finn," Kurt said. "Rachel, if I may, I definitely recommend zippers."

"Kurt! That's not funny!" Finn called.

"I'm not joking. Trust me Finn. Oh, and we've got the house tonight." He couldn't wipe the childish grin off his face as he made a beeline back for Blaine. Was that immature? Probably. He didn't really care though. Suddenly he simply couldn't wait to get Blaine home.


End file.
